her time, all the time, happily
Vijay Rajakumar
Dec 9, 2014
apartment 107
apartment 107
Should I settle down? Find myself an apartment?
In SF, finding an apartment is a lot like finding love.
If finding an apartment is easy enough,
Buying one is like arranged marriage-
You are given a list by zillow.com
You have to propose on the first date,
Agreeing to see again only at the wedding.
It’s mildly brutal, but worked for my parents.
The problem is-
I already have the perfect apartment,
655 Tennessee st. Only I cannot buy it.
The industrial floor, artist loft, intimate patio
just big enough for me and the girl.
Earlier, I floored her with my red boat shoes.
We went to Dolores park instead of a movie,
And drank fernet by the tree.
Then, she introduced me to her parents.
They were more nervous, thinking –
We have never seen him before
and he wants our Mira Gatlin.
After chai and some parle’s,
they ask, where do you work?
I ask, where is the bathroom?
The wedding was ok. Handful of our friends,
Lot of known unknowns and the half-naked priest!
He looked at me, as if I drank the night before.
I did. To the hope, this marriage thing works out.
Then, someone threw rice right at my eyes.
Just like that, I was married. First stop – Hawaii!
Lots of us, husbands, wives, flowers, macadamia nuts,
whatsapp messages, ancestor ghosts – all whispering-
Do it, son.
But I deny honeymoon. I vehemently deny!
I run to the hills. I am hereby the Mad Indian.
This is the freedom commune,
and I am the saint of adventure.
Vijay, wake up! Ten years have gone by.
Sat and Prem jump on our bed until I get up.
The energetic little people trail me,
I threaten to kiss with the shaving cream on,
they agree on a truce and a cereal combination.
I slip away and Mira gets the goofballs ready.
From the kitchen to the garage, clinging to my legs,
some hundred kisses and hugs later, they let me go.
Some time later, I am on 101 traffic, thinking-
how the hell did I get this lucky!
But this was yesterday. What a pleasant nightmare–
So, I wait. One day, 655 Tennessee st will be mine.
—–
Mira, Sat, Prem are Sanskrit words meaning peace, truth and love. My friends had commented that almost all my poems have a dark undertone, which I realize is true. Since, I have found writing “happy” poems that are not kitsch, surprisingly hard. This comes close – a happy light-hearted poem. Also, this was my submission for a poetry slam in bay area.
Sep 11, 2014
happiness
A lone indian stands among the white dunes,
Naked bones shine from the cool earth,
The stars seem reachable, and the heart
leaps for them. The pursuit of happiness!
Or this obligation to be happy,
after all the baggages carried to be here.
Like how back in San Francisco,
I casually expect the happy sun to show up,
not in spite of the fogs, but because of them.
So, I smile. Clinging to my old suspicion,
there is no pursuit, there is no obligation.
The baggages are just brief irrelevancies.
My affinity to worry is also not a vice.
It is what makes this resolve to be happy- complete.
I wrote this poem while backpacking in New Mexico in August 2014. Here are some pictures from the trip!
Jul 24, 2014
ambition:wfio
Is this the end of all that we have been?
All that we talked and dreamed?
A name unremembered, an idea undone.
Our thoughts made to dissolve by mind’s churn.
A future left to rot under a head, stone.
Is this the end of our little hours?
Our passions were once so high,
Now only to be mocked by calm earth.
Our days were once so pleasantly hectic,
That made the missed summers ever more beautiful.
Is this it? Forever like puzzle pieces,
Pulled apart by chance and put back in their box.
Always close but never together.
But the restless souls never quit.
Ever remold their fate in more creative ways.
The stars conspired, got their way. So be it.
Our summers will be inevitably beautiful again.
Unfailing aspiration will take the call again.
The supreme Grace will answer.
The heart will find all that it yearned. And even then-
There is no end.
Aside | Jun 3, 2014
single
Universe is an endless dream theatre,
We do our little role and take it for the whole,
Nothing in these roles seem real or timeless.
For we know not, how the drama will take its course.
But sometimes, a part stands out significant,
Aspirations of a scene with yourself as the actor and author.
But what fun is a selfish scene like that,
It needs a soul. A soul that conceals
Mind’s Bliss and Wisdom as Heart’s Love and Passion.
It needs you. We make a sweet one act play of two.
(I wrote this poem, what now seems like, a very long time ago. I remembered this poem after coming across a similar one written some 5 centuries ago)
What Is Our Life – Sir Walter Raleigh (1552–1618)
WHAT is our life? The play of passion.
Our mirth? The music of division:
Our mothers’ wombs the tiring-houses be,
Where we are dressed for life’s short comedy.
The earth the stage; Heaven the spectator is,
Who sits and views whosoe’er doth act amiss.
The graves which hide us from the scorching sun
Are like drawn curtains when the play is done.
Thus playing post we to our latest rest,
And then we die in earnest, not in jest.
Feb 9, 2014
Want Something Different
Yesterday, I turned 27. My dad emailed me a picture of a note that I gave him before leaving home for college in 2004. I had written, 3 things I wanted to do by 2014. I had forgotten about this note and glad that he found it while cleaning some old boxes. The 3 things were:
- Get a PhD.
- Move back with parents.
- Do something different.
How times have changed since writing down this note! I told my dad, it was good that I did not get a philosophy doctorate and move back home. But the third one got me thinking, as I still use it from time to time. Honestly, what the 17-year-old me really meant was to do something cool. My motivations have since changed for better and here is the note for next 10 years “Want something different”.
I think it’s a natural progression from my earlier note. You do things because you want something out of them. But it’s very easy to just want filler things that mostly everyone else wants- sleek sports cars, picture perfect house, kitsch hobby, etc. Make no mistake, I want some of the same things. But over years, I realize these things in themselves are very ephemeral and the only fundamental constant in your life is yourself and the experiences that have built you. So, why want that will fade away, when you can want experiences. So, instead of learning to want things, learn to want experiences! That feeling of triumph when you idea succeeds, road trips that go awry but are fun in ways that can be only had with your best of friends, excitement of running on the beach as the tide catches up, experience of slowly building confidence to ride a beast of a motorcycle, obsessively writing a poem for days!
I am not trying to preach how to live life or calling to reject material things. This is more like, how to avoid mid-life crisis by learning to want material things, that will get you closer to states of mind, where you feel really alive.
One example,
Do something different – Stealing a kiss from an impossibly beautiful girl.
Want something different – Giving back a kiss to the girl you love.
Good times!
Oct 17, 2013
woman
Our genders match in strife,
We face the same bullshit in life.
Whether man or woman,
All we can hope, is a bittersweet loneliness,
And if lucky, may be depth and fullness.
Beyond the opaque cloak on our frame,
We get heart broken the same.
Whether man or woman,
Time, our bittersweet friend makes us rounder,
For what is hot, will grow to be warmer.
But I will always be the ‘him’,
Marvel at their deep, wonderful complexity,
Like a puzzle that you slowly learn to not-solve.
Like how this poem goes out of rhyme,
Yet leaves you better than it found you.
Oct 17, 2013
Quote | Oct 7, 2013
“Beyond the very extreme of fatigue and distress, we may find amounts of ease and power we never dreamed ourselves to own; sources of strength never taxed at all because we never push through the obstruction.” – Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, page 112
This quote has led me to a cool life hack. I have been training for marathon slowly over the last 6 months. Each time I run, at the brink of bonking, I listen to the same playlist and try to push myself to run a little further. This has become a habit. So at work, during hard schedules, I replay the same playlist and instantly get reminded of not quitting and pushing through the obstruction!
Vijay Rajakumar 